- Subject: How to simulate being a Sailor
- 1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
- 2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
- 3. Repaint your entire house every month.
- 4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower-head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while you soap down.
- 5. Put lube-oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
- 6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
- 7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then re-assemble
- 8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through
- 9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
- 10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off on Saturdays and Sundays. Tell your family they use too much
water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
- 11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.
- 12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
- 13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
- 14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud
that Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up".
- 15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while
she reads it to you.
- 16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 p.m..
- 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers, man your
brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trash cans
over the fantail.)
- 18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
- 19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
- 20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
- 21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.
- 22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your
family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line
for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
- 23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
- 24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread. (mid-rats)
- 25. Set your alarm clock to go off a random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard
and uncoil the garden hose.
- 26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout
"Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast
- 27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready".
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured."
Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
- 28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when
the weather is worst. January is a good time. 29. When there is a
thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as
hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of
stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
- 30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and
run it all day long. 31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced
coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before
- 32. Have someone under the age of 10 give you a haircut with sheep shears.
- 33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
- 34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
- 35. Take a two-week vacation visiting the red light districts of Europe or
the Far East, and call it "world travel".
- 36. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World
for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
- excerpted and edited from www.navyseals.com/dropzone
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